Days I’ve been away from home? Today: 186. That’s over six months. And it shouldn’t be that I’m reminiscing on those days as though it was the last time I’ve felt freedom; I’m not in prison, I’m in Spain. In reality, I should be feeling like I’m in a paradise, dreading the day where I have to leave the Mediterranean Coast. And some days I’m in love with my warm climate, azure blue waters, and endless palm trees, but today… it’s just another in my sentence that I signed up for almost exactly a year ago this week.
Taking into account all of the self inflicted drama that caused my last semester to end as my all time low and forever rock bottom, I wanted this semester to be what I wanted my entire year to be when I left: Free of boys and their ability to make me lose parts of myself, free of sex so I could think clearly on what I want out of love and relationships, and focus on myself and my wonderful friendships and family. I wanted an Eat, Pray, Love journey. What I got was Drink, Blackout and Regret.
Still, there is one silver lining to this year long sentence; I get a second chance, a redo. I can learn to forgive myself, maybe, for those bad parts of last semester. Those moments where I gave into bad habits, and let my subconscious give into parts that I don’t like about myself. I get a chance to heal, and look forward to 4 months of growing as a person.
Maybe part of this new journey will be traveling on my own somewhere outside of Spain. Don’t get me wrong, It’s fine being here, but I almost want to be somewhere where I won’t hear Spanish, I won’t hear English and I’ll be able to just be completely with my own thoughts while wandering streets. That’s what I want.
Today wasn’t all bad though. I revised my independent study. I looked into flights out of Málaga. I’m about to do some studying for my test later. I even signed up to run a race on Sunday. I know it’s going to get better. It has to. If I’ve learned anything from my time abroad, it’s the difficult moments where you do the most growth as a person, and right now, in this moment, this is my biggest challenge so far.
And I’m going to be okay.